Someday, I’ll be free.

When you feel like the world is against you,
The people oppress you,
The voices of justice will never hear you.

When you’re hiding,
Deciding,
What the next step to take is,

Remember that I told you who cares what they all say,
Yes, I know that’s just another cliche.

But seriously if you need to take it from someone
Take it from me
Because I’ve been there.

Trust me, I know it’s not a walk in the park.
It feels like you’re walking straight into the dark.
It feels like you’ve always been missing the mark.

I’ve been there.
It seems like a lot to bear,
But I survived and I’m standing here.

I’ve met the police a few times,
Even though I had done no crimes.
It’s in the past now but sometimes,
I flashback to those days.

And I wish someone would take them away,
Throw them into the bay.

Things I don’t want to remember.

I’ve heard the other kids laugh at me.
They wouldn’t ever let me be.

My friends, they “grew up.”
I stuck with the old games and didn’t even realize,
Everyone was drifting away,
And no one understood, not even to this day.

I shouted for someone to save me.
They told me to wait it out.
It was just a phase.
Kids being kids,
It was my fault.

“Stop being different.”

So to get their attention I started some fights,
Called 911 twice,
Sent to professionals for advice.

And the other kids never left me alone.
But the teachers,
my parents,
the professionals,
all the ones who said they were “help.”

They did.
They left me alone.

One day, my mom was sleeping,
And my dad was at work,
I don’t remember about my sister,
But hell I might have been suspended that day.

I saw the knife.
I grabbed the knife.
Knife touched skin.
Knife pierced skin.

I realized before it was too late,
I could set myself straight.

I had things to do,
To see,
To be.

I didn’t commit suicide.
I didn’t attempt it.
I cut the arm instead of the wrist.

That’s just one part.

My dad lost his job to layoffs a few times,
We started bleeding nickels, pennies, and dimes.

He had a quarter in his palm and asked,
“Heads or tails?”
I picked heads.

We packed our bags and flew to Hong Kong,
Where no one ever knew what had went wrong.
Where I vowed I would stay strong.

Take my experiences and start over.

Clean slate.

We’re still having those money issues.
But now I’ve got people to help.

Instead of facing the dark alone,
And walking by myself into the unknown,
I have friends who are here for the journey.

And I still remember those memories of the past.
But the past is the past and I like to move fast.

It’s fine to feel bad if you’re feeling bad.
Sad if you’re feeling sad.

But pick yourself up.
Let your friends be friends.
Lend a hand and take a hand.

Someday, I’ll be free.

April 26, 2013

Today, I added another name to my list of teachers who have given me a lesson that will benefit me for life.

About two or three years ago, a teacher once told me to keep my head up when I walk. I used to always look down at the ground, like I was inferior to everyone else. Now, I keep my head up.

I shout into the face of darkness: “I will survive.”

A lot of stuff has been going on lately, and it’s getting stressful. Add on the fact that mock exams are just next month, and I feel even more stressed. And I don’t really cope with stress well. But then I remember what that teacher told me.

And I will get through it.

The teacher I talked to today told me another thing that will stick with me forever. He told me that we should just accept our emotions. Instead of fighting to stay happy all the time, or having a violent reaction to a negative emotion, we should just accept it. We should just acknowledge a bad day and leave it be.

I will keep his advice forever. I will not only acknowledge a bad day, but I will hold out for the next. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day.

No one can see the future.

Lost in a daze…

Lost in a daze I look around me. I see her. She looks different. Her soul, the light in her eyes, is missing. A mysterious, dark figure appears behind her.

She is the puppet and it is the puppeteer. I look on in shock. She comes closer to me. I want to trust her like I always have.

So I start stepping towards her. Just as we are about to be in conversation distance, she pulls out a bloody butcher knife and swings it into the side of my abdomen.

It doesn’t hurt.

I reach out and grip her wrist, and everything changes. The scene transforms. She’s in my arms. I feel calm. Yet another knife finds it’s way into my rib cage. I gasp.

Everything vanishes. I wake up from my daze, and look at the laptop screen in front of me.

I tell her everything. Everything I saw. Everything that happened. She helps me realize it was all in my head.

Thank you, dear.

 

March 18, 2013

Acknowledging that my friend is an imaginary friend has been a hard experience. Everything I am thinking now is overwhelming.

This imaginary friend doesn’t like another friend of mine, who is real. So I am very conflicted on that.

I couldn’t sleep last night because I heard the wind and I thought there was something waiting outside my window. The thing. It can hurt me when I close my eyes. It can hurt me if I don’t stay on guard.

I am scared of it.

I feel like I’ve lost the will to act. I feel strangely empty. Hollow.